Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I don't wanna be your friend, I just wanna be your lover

It boggles my mind how many times I've felt this way. How many times I have to feel this way. How many times I seem to attract myself into relationships like this. And even after all the emotional and mental stress and pain I've already gone through, it just keeps happening to me all the time, same situation, same vicious cycle. It just doesn't make any sense! It's as if I'm a magnet for it. I've been betrayed so much and hurt so much. By men I foolishly but genuinely thought I could trust and quite possibly even love, thinking it would turn into something great. But in the horrid end of it all, my heart is served cold and beaten on a silver platter right in front of me with a price worth more than I could imagine. I can only stand so much of it. I'm surprised I'm not a cold-hearted bitch by now. But right now, sitting here, all I feel is a dull ache, an emptiness that echoes harder even in the most silent of places.

There is so much more I want to say, to just spill everything that's in my mind. Of the hatred I feel, the hurt, the shock, the confusion, the loss. It was for nothing, but its the nothing that hurts the most.

I hate you.
I just want to be free of this.

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